Sunshine! After all the snow and rain the last couple of days have been absolutely lovely! The Sun is glorious this time of year, and it makes one feel so happy and glad to be alive and here and able to experience life on this lump of rock orbiting it.

This week has been a manic one. Between giving talks in the evenings and working hard to begin sorting out a facet of my life after finally admitting to myself that something had to be done, I've had not a lot of time to do anything much, though a couple more ACEO cards have been created ... small, relatively quick to do (but still take me more than one or two hours of time!).

I feel so much better in myself at facing up to the chaos and doing something about it, and getting help to help me too. I think I may be growing up a little bit and taking responsibility for myself rather than sticking my head in the sand and hoping things will just go away, which they never do, they just accumulate. The hardest thing is admitting I can't cope alone any longer and asking for help, which is not a weakness I'm discovering, though my ego would love me to think it is. Admitting I'm not perfect in another area of my life, and the embarrassment and shame it brings, and the fear of disappointing others who I care about and who I care about what they think of me too. But what I've found is that they say I've grown in their estimations of me, not crashed to a new low point.

It's going to take a while to sort things out, but it's definitely going to happen, and I do have the support there to help me. I've told friends about it, my mentor and my counsellor both know too. And everyone else I've talked to has been so pleasant and helpful and supportive. I've found my fear expectations of rejection, disdain, lack of understanding have been totally unfounded. I wish I'd known this earlier ... but I also know enough about myself to know earlier in my life I may not have been able to cope or had the inner strength to go through with this, or the support network around me. But I do now. And I am pleased with myself for finally catching myself unaware and taking the first step, which is always the hardest. "Even a journey of a million miles starts with one step." How true.

I have to make sure I learn the lessons from the chaos I've created for myself, and to identify what old limiting attitudes and beliefs from my upbringing let me get to this point so that I can turn them around and treat myself properly, with respect and accept responsibility for this part of my life.

Oooh that sounds like at 46 years of age I may be having to grow up! But only in terms of sorting out chaos, other parts of me will never grow up. I love my child-like wonder of things that fascinate and interest me. I love my joyful enthusiasm for the things that give me inner joy, that let my spirit express itself and enjoy itself. I am sure that as the chaos is resolved that my spirit will be able to express itself more freely in the mundane world too, the fears, anxieties, stresses of that chaos will recede, removing the cage they forged around my spirit. I am really hoping that this will help me face up to and identify other fears and anxieties from old limiting attitudes and beliefs so that I can gain a healthy self-confidence, self-respect and self-belief so that I can live life and enjoy it!

Talking of living life and enjoying it, yesterday I had a fabulously fun day with RAWSoc in Cardiff playing board games. Thanks to all the people there, especially the chaps I spent the day playing in a Viking world, then defeating the Martians before building railway routes! 12 hours, nearly, of game play. Oh, and of course, I mustn't forget the rounds of 'I'm not a werewolf' too!

Today, I have to do the VAT returns as part of my role of treasurer. That role is coming to an end. I'm not taking it on again at the AGM of the organisation in March. Someone else can deal with that chaos...

All of this means I'm dreadfully behind in thanking people and replying to your comments and so on, so please bear with me! I appreciate each and every one of your favourites, watches and kind words, I really, REALLY, REALLY do! Thank you all so much!